Inside My mind after Narcissistic Abuse

I’ve gotten good at running away from these feelings.  I’ve been kind to myself as I grapple with my past experiences.  How did I find myself in a narcissistically abusive relationship?  How did I find myself in a spiritual cult?  Is this a fucking dream!?  What the fuck is going on here?  What have I been living in all these years?  I’ve been living in a co-created shared fantasy, and it gave me exactly what I subconsciously needed until it didn’t.  Once that day arrived, my mind began to invert on itself.  It’s hard to articulate the melting of your mind and its constructs.  Touching the void of existence, nothing and everything at the same time.  Experience pure potential, boy is it an overwhelming feeling.  It’s quite disorienting and confusing too.  The dissolving of one’s own mind.  What is this all about, what is it supposed to teach me about existence?  It’s the inner workings of the war on consciousness that is being played out in real time right now on our planet.  It is light versus dark, but it isn’t us versus them.  This unanimated potential lives in each one of us.  The war is real and mostly unseen by many.  How does one articulate and talk about something occult?  These are just words bro.  You’re scared to be laughed at or not taken seriously, so you’re getting a gold in mental gymnastics.  You have something to share with others and it’s important that you fucking share.  Stop pussy footing around your destiny bro.  You have so many gifts that you can share and offer others.  Stop running around the inevitable like a scared little bitch.  This isn’t a time for niceties anymore, that time is long gone.  It’s time to get real and deep, bro.  What is coming up for me now is simplify it, learn to simplify it.  I’ve been a student of the human condition for over 20 years, constantly observing my life and the life of those around me.  I’m fascinated by why we do what we do.  The great mystery of life intrigues me and it’s something that I’m passionate about.  Waking up to a narcissistically abusive relationship creates a great deal of disillusionment within one’s being.  Your theory of mind about people and the world shatters.  You begin to disintegrate in real time.  The mind works overtime to try to figure it “ALL” out, only to realize that it isn’t something one can figure out but only experience.  The experience is intended to offer self-insight.   What was it inside of me that co-created such a reality?  I believe a lot of it has to do with unresolved karma and it’s being played out again to be integrated into and through our beings.  Great clarity and insight are the fruit from this experience.  It isn’t all bad or doom and gloom.  There are lessons to be learned for each one of us from this experience.  Our maternal instincts were triggered but we also colluded with our own covert contracts.  We were getting something from the relationship at one point too.  This relationship(s) is the very thing we need to wake up to who we truly are.  Not everyone is going to use this experience to wake up but the potential is there.  The experience is a full-on assault against our very way of being.  For us to survive the experience, our true self is suppressed and a false self-arises in its place.  Betrayal of self is the name of the game.  Our sense of self-worth is whittled down to an unrecognizable nub.  This is where the real work begins if we haven’t been self-inquiring all along.  We’ve become a shell of our former self.  The narcissists now live inside of our minds and they’re long gone.  This is the time where we slowly begin to reprogram our body and our minds.  The task at hand is arduous and lifelong.  It’s the beginning of our awakening journey.  Once we get to a point internally when we no longer give the narcissist any of our physical or psychic energy, we can begin to turn inward and begin the true work of individuation.  This is an opportunity for us to become whole and complete.  Eventually getting to a point where we realize the gift the narcissist gave us.  They syphoned our life force for days, weeks, months and years, turning us into the walking dead.  Becoming like them, zombified but we have the potential to emerge after this horrific experience with the living dead.  We will no longer see the world the same, innocence lost but a necessary experience in our self-realization journey.  Now we are endowed with insights that not many others have.  This doesn’t have anything to do with being special, it is just the truth of the matter.  Our resilience is strengthened; we grow in fortitude.  We step into embodied presence, sovereign once again.  The pen is back in our hands and it’s time to author the life that was silenced by this experience.